


How Am I Supposed To Die

by colorfullysarah



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-12
Updated: 2013-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-14 17:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/839653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorfullysarah/pseuds/colorfullysarah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>STID SPOILERS! Leo didn't want to believe that it was Jim in that body bag. Leo didn't want to believe that Jim was dead. But he was. At least until he injected Jim with a serum from Khan's blood that would save his life. This is a story about the events after Jim Kirk's death and revival. Mckirk pairing!</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Am I Supposed To Die

**Author's Note:**

> So this isn't my first Mckirk fic, but it's my first fic posted here! This hasn't been beta read at all, so all mistakes are my own and I'm sure there are mistakes. For those I apologize. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. :)

Every fucking fear Leo ever had about space and being stuck in a tin can in space came to life, loudly, harshly, and quickly. He thought he would have puked after the third roll the Enterprise did as it spiralled out of control towards Earth. But he didn’t, nothing came and all he could think about was that he was going to fucking die. That they were all going to fucking die. 

Before he could fully come to terms with his eminent doom, and the doom of everyone on this ship things seemed to stabilize just like that. He didn’t have time to think about how the hell it happened before screams of people filled the air and he unlocked his seat restraints and jumped up to do what he knew to do best. There were so many people who were just fucking scared and Leo had to keep assuring them that things would be okay, that they were no longer in danger, and that no their injuries were not life threatening - at least he said that to most people. But the fact was, Leo didn’t know if everything was okay, but it seemed to calm these people down enough so he could do his damn job and make sure they weren’t going to bleed out or go into shock in his sickbay. 

And before Leo knew it, he was in a rhythm. He barked orders at the nurses, healed people’s bones and regenerated their skin and tissue and muscle. Everything fell away around him and the only thing that was important right now was being a doctor and healing these people. 

He was so focused on his job that he didn’t see people - specifically Scotty, bring in a body bag. When he did and noticed they were taking up valuable space in his sickbay while he was trying to do his fucking job, he turned around to tell them to put the body with the others - but the words stopped before he could say them. The look on Scotty’s face halted all his motions and he froze as he stared at the other man. 

“Leo.” 

His name spoken in such a broken tone snapped Leo out of his irrational fear. He didn’t know who was in that body bag. It could be anyone. 

“Open it.” He barked at a nurse and crossed his arms, hoping against all hope that he would only vaguely recognize the person in the bag. That the person in that bag wouldn’t shatter his entire world like he felt they would. 

As the bag was unzipped, Leo felt as though he would throw up now. The moment he saw the blonde hair he knew. He fucking knew who it was and he wanted to throw up or scream or turn away. But he couldn’t. He stood there, watched as the nurse revealed more and more of Jim’s face. 

Fuck. 

It was like all the air was sucked out of the sickbay because Leo couldn’t fucking breath. He couldn’t process what he saw before. Jim fucking Kirk was too fucking still and Jim Kirk wasn’t fucking breathing. Breathe dammit. Breathe. But Jim didn’t. His chest didn’t rise. His eyes didn’t flutter behind his eyelids indicating that he was dreaming - that he was alive. And Leo knew if he ran a scanner over Jim it would read back as dead. 

Dead. 

His eyes burned and Leo finally let out a shaky breath as he turned away from Jim’s body. He couldn’t fucking look at it anymore. He couldn’t stand anymore. Blissfully there was a chair close and he sank into it. Jim was dead. His best friend was dead. 

Leo realized that while Jocelyn took the whole fucking planet in their divorce, Jim Kirk just took the whole universe with him. How the hell would he - could he - come back up in the black without Jim to constantly patch up and yell at for injuring himself? Without Jim who would call him Bones and drink with him in the middle of the ship’s night because they were both too fucking busy on duty to really see each other? 

Leo couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He fucking wouldn’t. 

Just as he was sure the tears would spill onto his cheeks, he heard a nose. Soft and fluttery and he felt the sharp pull of hope that Jim pulled off one more fucking miracle and was alive. But as he looked around for the source of the sound he saw it was the tribble. 

The tribble he put Khan’s blood into. 

Before Leo knew it, he was barking orders to put Jim in a cryotube and for Spock to bring back that son of a bitch Khan alive. 

It felt like forever while he waited for Spock to bring him back Khan. And he knew Spock would. Because the green blooded hobgoblin cared about Jim too. It helped that Spock was just as strong as Khan with his freaky Vulcan strength. But when they finally told him Khan was in the brig he grabbed himself some sedatives - strong ones - and marched his way down there. He could’ve sent a nurse, but he’d rather cut off his arm before he gave the 300 year old crazy man the satisfaction of getting under his skin. 

The moment Leo got the blood from Khan, he gladly and with pleasure plunged the hypo into the crazy man’s neck and forced him into a deep, deep sleep. Not as deep a sleep he was sure Khan would get the moment they put him back in his cryotube, but for now it worked and that’s all Leo cared about as he practically bolted back to his labs to figure out what it was that brought that fucking tribble back to life and how to make sure it brought Jim back. 

It took him almost a full day to finally produce a serum that he was almost positive would save Jim. Would bring Jim back. No one said anything to him the whole time, no one urged him to take a break, to eat, to rest because fuck when was the last time any of them actually stopped? Despite those things, everyone knew that Leo would promptly snap at them and threaten to sedated their asses so he could get back to work. They knew Leo wasn’t going to sleep until he found what it was that would bring Jim back. 

Leo knew he was breaking about every ethical rule he vowed to uphold, but dammit, this was Jim. The rules could go fuck themselves for all Leo cared right now. And sure in the back of his mind he knew that Starfleet and the universe owed Jim a lot, but mostly Leo couldn’t let Jim stay dead because of selfish, totally and utterly selfish reasons. Jim wouldn’t just let him stay dead - not if there was a chance to bring him back. So Leo very well couldn’t let Jim stay dead. 

His hands shook when he finally had the serum in a hypo. If this didn’t work, Leo wasn’t sure what he would do or how he would be able to function completely ever again. But after some deep breaths, Leo managed to stop the shaking and he nodded to a nurse to unlock the cryotube and take Jim out of it. 

It hardly registered with Bones that they weren’t on the Enterprise anymore. That somewhere in all of this Sulu docked the ship and Spock handled all the political bullshit into getting Jim into a room at a hospital that wasn’t jammed pack with wounded from the crash. 

Spock decided to hover over in his little corner in the room they got for Jim while he injected him with the serum. And Leo was tempted to snap at the man to get the hell out, but he refrained. This wouldn’t have been possible if the pointy eared bastard hadn’t brought him Khan. So, with another deep breath, Leo inserted the hypo into Jim’s neck and injected the serum into him. 

And now they had to wait. 

Leo thought maybe he’d sleep finally, eat, rest, do some rounds while he waited for Jim to wake up. But he most definitely didn’t sleep and when he did manage to, it wasn’t very restful. Instead, he mostly spent his time make sure Jim’s apartment was ready for him when he’d get out, or did double shifts at the hospital, or just sat with Sulu or Chekov or Uhura or Scotty in Jim’s room speaking hushed words with them as they all waited for their captain to wake up. 

Two weeks passed, slowly and painfully and Leo was beginning to think that maybe Jim wouldn’t wake up. He waited for those vitals to shoot up, to signify life, waited so long it seemed that when they finally did and Jim gasped in a mouthful of air he almost missed it. But the moment Jim did, Leo was waving his scanner over him and looking at those beautiful fucking vitals and the heartbeat and everything. He swung his eyes around to look at Jim’s face, his healed and flushed face and his eyes connected with Jim’s and Leo knew if Spock wasn’t on the other side of the room that he would have reached out and touched Jim’s face and then his chest so he could hear and feel Jim’s heartbeat. 

“Don’t be so dramatic, you were barely dead.” He heard himself stay instead. 

And Jim looked so confused, so utterly confused and it broke Leo’s heart all over again. Because Jim had been so sure he was going to die. And here he was, not dead. It had to be disorienting Leo was sure. 

When Jim looked all grateful up at Spock, Leo felt a surge of jealousy and anger at Jim and he snapped at Jim that he and Uhura helped too because they did. But Jim’s eyes slid over to his and Leo saw a look in those blue eyes that told him Jim knew exactly what Leo did. Smart bastard. 

There was a moment when he and Jim were alone while Spock went to tell the others that Jim was awake. And in that moment, Leo caved into the rollercoaster of emotions he’s felt since they brought Jim’s body to him. He reached out for Jim and felt his hand connect with Jim’s cheek. Leo opened his mouth to say something, but the jubilant speech of Chekov broke the trance and Leo pulled his hand away from Jim and Jim looked at his hand with an expression that was so exposed and vulnerable Leo stopped breathing for a moment. 

But that looked passed the moment the door opened and Chekov cried, “Captain,” in that stupid accent that somehow wasn’t all that annoying. Instead, Jim’s face split into a smile and Leo knew he couldn’t yell at all of them to give Jim space and rest since he just came back from the fucking dead because that look on Jim’s face was pure joy at seeing these people. These people that Leo knew became Jim’s family - the people Jim sacrificed himself for. 

So, instead, Leo stepped back and gave everyone room to crowd around Jim’s bead, reach out and touch Jim’s hands or ruffle his hair and tell him jokes. And they stayed like that for an hour or so, the seven of them in the room just enjoying and being grateful to the fact that Jim was alive. Eventually though, Jim tired out and everyone could see how his eyes were droopy and his smiles became tired and they all told Jim they were happy he was back and that they’d visit him tomorrow after he got some sleep. 

And finally, he and Jim were alone.

“Bones -”

“Don’t.” 

Leo wanted to say that harshly, to show how angry he was at Jim for scaring the shit out of him, but it came out soft and not at all in his usual grouchy tone. 

“Bones.” Jim tried again, his voice sluggish from fatigue but firm despite that. Leo looked up at him. Which was a mistake because all of Leo’s anger at Jim washed away and he just sighed and slumped his shoulders. “Bones, c’mere.” 

And Leo did.   
Jim’s hand curled around his wrist the moment he was close enough and Leo sat in the chair next to Jim’s bed and moved his arm so that Jim was holding his hand instead of his wrist and he squeezed Jim’s hand maybe too tightly considering, but Jim didn’t show any discomfort. 

“Thank you.” 

Leo wanted to snort and roll his eyes and say some sarcastic remark about how not just an hour ago he was thanking Spock for saving his sorry ass, but none of that came forward. Instead, Leo was just emotionally drained and suddenly his lack of sleep hit him like a ton of bricks. “Someone has to save your sorry ass, kid.” He settled on instead. 

There was a gentle tug from Jim and Leo looked directly at him now. “Go to sleep, Jim.” Leo said instead of letting Jim pull him closer like he wanted. Like they both wanted. And if there was a way for eyes to pout, well Jim Kirk found out how to do it. That night, Leo slept without waking in fear that Jim wasn’t going to come back. 

The next week went by much the same as it did the first day Jim woke up. The bridge crew would wander in and spend time with Jim in their own ways. Spock and Jim played chess, Chekov and Jim would talk about - well Leo wasn’t quite sure since Chekov did most of the talking and Leo barely understood the kid when he got excited, Uhura would test Jim on exactly how many languages he really knew and Jim would indulge her with his stupid smirk, Sulu and Jim talked about surprisingly a lot more things than plants or the ship or different combat styles like Leo would’ve guess. Scotty and Jim would roar with laughter, over what, Leo never figured out since again like Chekov, Scotty was harder to understand the more animated he got. 

But after they all left and Jim was worn out, Leo would just sit by his bed and Jim would slide his hand across the bed and Leo would hold onto it tightly to remind himself that Jim was alive. And every night, Jim would tug his hand with more strength and every night, Leo told Jim to sleep and slipped out of his room. 

After a week though, Jim felt like he had recovered enough to leave. Honestly, Leo was surprised that Jim stayed in the hospital for that long. 

“You can leave Jim, but you can’t do anything stupid.” Leo said as he handed Jim some of his clothes. 

Jim just rolled his eyes as he yanked off his hospital gown and stood only in his boxer briefs. “Me? Do something stupid? Bones you wound me with your lack of faith.” Jim’s tone was light and Leo could feel his usual snarky comment rise, but the moment he saw Jim trying to pull on his jeans he stopped. 

It wasn’t like this was the first time he’s seen Jim half naked. Hell he’s had to drag his drunk ass back to his dorm after he got into some fight their first year at the Academy. He was Jim’s doctor dammit, he’s seen more of Jim than Jim’s flings ever did. So, Leo was confused for a moment as to why now he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the line of Jim’s shoulders, the muscles that were weakened for the lack of use the past three weeks but still holding an undercurrent of strength. 

“Earth to Bones?” Jim’s hand waved in front of his face and Leo’s eyes snapped up to Jim’s eyes. 

“What?” He grouched, narrowing his eyes.

“I asked if you wanted to get some food I am fucking starving, hospital food just doesn’t cut it.” Jim pulled on his shirt now and Leo felt less distracted with it on so he just shook his head briefly before he shrugged. 

“Whatever you want, kid.” He said, glad that he wasn’t on a shift right now then again he’s practically lived at the hospital between Jim and his rotations so he doubted he’d be back here for another couple days. 

Which he was totally fine with. 

Jim beamed at his words, that easy smile that stretched across his lips like it was natural. “Great, lets go then.” 

Leo should’ve known that they would’ve wound up in the bar they frequented when they were still cadets and things were a hell of a lot simpler. He slid into their booth and set Jim’s beer down in front of him. “Nothing heavy tonight, Jimmy. Not unless you want to end up back in that room.” Was all he said before he took a long drink from his beer. 

Jim scoffed at him. “Yes, mom.” 

They sat in silence for a while, it was comfortable and Leo was just grateful to sit still and not worry and to have Jim in front of him acting like he didn’t have serious radiation poisoning and died. Or that his nightmares have come back thanks to the fucking stressful situation Khan was. 

Leo knew most of those nightmares were about Tarsus IV. And while he didn’t know much about what Jim went through on that godforsaken planet, he knew it wasn’t pleasant. Leo knew not to press about it. Jim told him small pieces, randomly it seemed, and at times when Leo couldn’t respond or flash him a look of pity that Jim came to expect people to do. But from Jim’s medical file, he knew that what happened to Jim wasn’t pleasant and it happened slowly. 

At least his brush with death was quicker this time. 

“Bones.”   
Leo jerked out of his thoughts and looked up at Jim expectantly. But Jim didn’t say anything else, just stared at him before he nodded towards the door. Leo took that to mean Jim was tired of being in the bar and wanted to leave. So, he shrugged, downed the last of his beer and got up. 

The walked in silence back to Jim’s apartment and Leo just figured they’d continue their drinking there and just shit talk about whatever came to mind like they always did whenever they were on planet or on shore leaves. But the moment they got into Jim’s apartment, the silence grew stuffy as though Jim wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. Leo’s brow furrowed and he stepped forward and squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “Jim?” He asked, concern slipping into his voice. 

Frankly, Leo wasn’t sure when his overwhelming concern for Jim would subside to it’s usually concern and worry about his well being. 

Jim looked up at him when he squeezed his shoulder and Leo felt his breath hitch at the look on JIm’s face. It was completely unmasked and vulnerable and Leo wasn’t sure how to respond right away, except to worry some more. “Kid, if you keep your face like that it’ll stick.” He said instead. 

“Bone, fucking stop it.”

Okay, what the hell?

“Stop what Jim?” He asked, annoyed at Jim’s behavior already. 

Jim waved his arms around as though the action would find him the proper words. “Looking at me like that. Not yelling at me for I don’t know running into the warped core knowing I’d fucking die. You always yell at me when I pull shit like that.”

Where the hell was this coming from? The confusion must’ve showed on his face because Jim opened his mouth and spoke some more. “I mean, if it was you who fucking died like that I would’ve been pissed off. I would’ve told you exactly how I felt the moment you woke up. So, I keep waiting for you to just - snap and it’s driving me insane waiting for it.”

There was a beat of silence while Leo processed Jim’s words and then he shot Jim a glare. “Believe me, Jim, I wanted to yell at you the moment your scrawny ass woke up and tell you how I felt about what you did.” 

Jim looked at him sharply. “Then why didn’t you?”

“Because I realized if you hadn’t done that, we’d all be fucking dead Jim. Including you. And you made a decision to do what you knew would save everyone. How the hell can I be mad at you for that? I’m an asshole yeah, Jim, but not that big of one.” 

Jim blinked at him as though he didn’t quite understand what was just said. “Bones.” He responded, as though not used to people agreeing with his actions completely and wholeheartedly, without telling him that it was reckless and stupid and he could’ve done it differently or that he broke a dozen rules trying to do the right thing. 

“And honestly, the moment you opened your eyes I was more relieved that you were fucking alive than anything.” Leo continued, crossing his arms. “But despite all of that, I swear to God Jim that if you ever do that to me again I will bring you back only to murder you myself.” 

Jim surged forward then and Leo was confused for a moment before he felt Jim pull him into a hug. It took him a moment to realize that’s what Jim was doing and when he did he wrapped his arms around him and practically clung to him. 

This time when Jim spoke he sounded more like himself, “What would I do without you Bones?” 

Leo snorted but tightened his hold on Jim. “Be dead.”

And just like that things were somber once more and Leo cursed himself for doing it. Because he and Jim both knew that’d be the truth. Without Leo, Jim would be in the ground right now. Instead of having to make a speech in front of the fleet, they’d be all attending his memorial and the idea of ever having to do that made Leo’s heart seize up. He must’ve tensed up from the thoughts because Jim was suddenly saying, “It’s okay Bones. I’m alive. I’m here.” And then he was pulling back and placing Leo’s hand over his heart so that Leo could feel it thump under his fingers. 

Leo looked at his hand on Jim’s chest and then up to Jim’s eyes. There was another beat of silence before Leo’s fingers curled around the fabric of Jim’s shirt and he pulled Jim’s face towards his and pressed their lips together. 

It hadn’t even been a conscious thought that he wanted to kiss Jim. That he’s ever wanted to kiss Jim. But the moment he did, it was like four years of want and need reared its head and Leo deepened the kiss. And it was in that moment that he felt Jim kiss him back, tentatively at first, but then Leo felt his back hit Jim’s door and Jim’s hands on his hips and everything just clicked into place. As though the events since they met on that godforsaken shuttle have led up to this moment. 

Jim’s lips pulled away from his and Leo let out an embarrassing whine at the lack of contact, but Jim just chuckled before he placed his lips just below his ear and kissed his way along his jaw. Leo’s hand still on Jim’s chest tightened into a fist and he let his head fall back onto the door behind him with a soft thunk. 

“Jim.” He said softly and suddenly his eyes burned. Oh fuck no, he was not going to cry about what happened to Jim now - three weeks later. That was just stupid.   
Jim however, carried on unknowing of the fact Leo was very close to fucking crying and Leo pushed back the tears because Jim was alive, but that only made his eyes burn worse. He sucked in a sharp breath when Jim bit down on his neck and used his tongue to soothe the sting a combination of his thoughts and Jim’s actions. 

The sound made Jim pull away and move his hands to his belt loops. He looked up at Leo with that stupid seductive smirk and goddamit, Leo’s body definitely reacted to it but the smirk fell away when Jim saw his eyes. “Fuck, Bones.” Jim’s tone was soft and he just lifted his hands and pushed his fingers through Leo’s hair and pressed their foreheads together. 

Fuck it, if Spock got to cry over Jim he sure as hell had more of a right to do it himself. “They didn’t even fucking tell me. They just brought you up in a goddam body bag, unzipped it and let me figure it out that way.” Leo hated the way his voice cracked and he wanted to go back to kissing Jim because that was a hell of a lot more pleasant than talking about this. 

“And I don’t know what I would have done if that Tribble hadn’t come back to life right then and there because I’m pretty sure Spock would have killed that crazy bastard.” He wanted to stop talking, but it seemed once he started to talk about how he felt in that moment he couldn’t stop. The words have just been pent up inside of him waiting for a release. 

“All I could think of though was how you just took the whole fucking universe from me.” 

There was a sharp intake of air from Jim and Leo forced his eyes to look into Jim’s and he lost it all over again. Jim must’ve seen this in his eyes because he leaned forward and kiss Leo slowly, but deeply and full of longing and passion and it took Leo’s breath away, literally. 

“I’m.” Another kiss. “Alive.” A kiss followed by Jim’s fingers hooked into his belt loops and tugging him towards his bed. 

“Try staying that way, kid.” Leo said as Jim pushed him down onto the bed and fumbled to undo Leo’s belt. But Leo just reached out and grabbed Jim’s wrists lightly to stop him. “Not tonight, darlin’.” He said quietly. “Not when we’re shot up with alcohol and I’m prone to burst into tears at any moment.”

Jim stood there for a moment, before he nodded. Leo however made no move to leave Jim’s bed and Jim didn’t make a move to indicate for Leo to leave his apartment. Instead, Leo laid back on Jim’s bed and Jim laid next to him. They stayed like that for a moment, just lying next to each other before Jim’s arm reached out and curled around Leo’s side and tugged him closer. Leo’s body turned at the gesture and he pressed his face into the crook of Jim’s neck as his own arms wrapped Jim into them. 

“Lights, off.” Jim said, his voice hinting at fatigue and Leo scoffed at him. 

Jim nudged him in the side and said, “Hey, I was dead I’m allowed to tire out easily for the next few days.” 

Leo could only roll his eyes. “Whatever you say, Jim.” 

A chuckle rippled through the air and Leo felt it reverberate through Jim as he laughed. “Just think, you’ll have more fun tiring me out when you can say it’s you who did it and not because I’m way out of shape right now.”

Leo pulled away from Jim at this, his eyebrow popped up in amusement. “Oh will I?” 

The resulting smile from that question made Leo smile back at him stupidly. “Yeah, you will.” It would’ve been a cliched perfect moment if not for Jim’s yawn after the words. And again, Leo couldn’t help the snort that escaped him. 

“Go to sleep, Jim.”

And Jim did, except this time when he tugged at Leo, he didn’t pull away. Instead Leo pressed his face back into the crook of Jim’s neck and his hand against Jim’s heart and fell asleep to the rhythmic beat of it. 

Because Jim Kirk was not dead. 

No, Jim Kirk was very much alive.


End file.
